Kerry's Komedy Klub

[Katie77]

Great jokes Dottie.....very funny.....I have copied them and emailed them to my friends.....

[Katie77]

 

           HOW WIVES GET EVEN WITH THEIR CHEATING HUSBANDS

[Kerry]

[dot-matrix]

A tour bus driver is driving a bus load of seniors down a
highway when he is tapped on the shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully eats.

About 15 minutes later, she taps him on the shoulder again
and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch, he asks the little
old lady, "Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself ?"

"We can't chew them because we have no teeth, " she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then ?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

 

[dot-matrix]

A Senior couple went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors" special
was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.

"Sounds good," the wife said, "But I don't want the eggs."

"Then I will have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents
because you're ordering a la carte," said the waitress.

"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" the wife
asked increduiously.

" YES !!" stated the waitress.

"I'll take the special then," the wife said.

"How do you want your eggs?" the witress asked.

"Raw and in the shell," the wife replied.
She took the two eggs home.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS !!! they've been around
the block more than once !!.

[dot-matrix]

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.

He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

[dot-matrix]

While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man's balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to replace the missing testicle with a pickled onion.

Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup. "How's your sex life?" asked the doctor.

"Pretty good," the man said, to the doctor's obvious relief. But then the patient added, "I've had some strange side effects that are causing serious problems."

"What's that?" the doctor asked anxiously.

"Well, every time I urinate, my eyes water."
 
"Hmm," said the doctor, thoughtfully.
 
"That's not all," continued the patient. "When my wife gives me a blowjob, she gets heartburn."

"Hmm," said the doctor, as his face reddened.
 
"It gets worse, Doc. Now, every time I pass a hamburger stand, I get a hard-on!"

 

[dot-matrix]

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
 
There was a sign on the cage that said $100.00
 
"Why so little,"she asked the pet store owner.
 
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used
to live in a house of Prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
 
She took it home, hung the bird's cage up in her living room, and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, That's really not so bad."
 
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Frank came home from work.
 
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Frank."

 

[dot-matrix]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido. "What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor. "Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin!". "Not a problem," replied the doc. "Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid. Just terrible, doctor!."

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolut e nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"

"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! 'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

[Dagi]