Kerry's Komedy Klub

[Katie77]

Retirement to Alaska

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there. "Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a
Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come. About 5:00." "Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'." "Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em" Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there.
Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too," That's not a problem says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I will definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"


"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us

[underdown]

Medical definitions.

Anally - occuring yearly.
Artery - study of paintings.
Bacteria - back door of a cafeteria.
Barium - what doctors do when they can't fixem.
Cauterize - made eye contact.
Colic - type of sheep dog.
Coma - a punctuation mark.
Congenital - friendly.
Diarrhorea - journal of daily events.
Dilate - to live long.
Hangnail - coat hook.
Impotent - distinguished or well know.
Labour pain - got hurt at work.
Nitrate - cheaper than day rate.
Outpatient - one who has fainted.
Pap smear - fatherhood test.
Post-operative - letter carrier
Protein - favouring young people.
Rectum - damm near killed em.
Recovery room - place to do upholstery.
Secretion - hiding something.
Serology - study of knights.
Tablet - small table.
Terminal illness - sickness at an airport.
Tumour - an extra pair.
Vein - conceited.

[underdown]

A woman entered the visitors' lounge of a mental hospital, and was
confronted by a man who was entirely naked, except for a top hat.
'My good man', she said, 'why are you walking around in the visitors'
lounge without any clothes on?'
'Nobody comes to visit me', he replied, 'so what does it matter.'
'So, why are you wearing the top hat, then?' she asked.
'Well, just in case somebody does come.'

[underdown]

I have CDO.

It's like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order, as they should be.

[underdown]

Recorded 'phone menu at a mental health clinic.

'If you suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, press 1 repeatedly.
If you have multiple personality disorder, press 2, 3 and 4.
If you are delusional, press 5, and your call will be redirected to the mother ship.
If you have short term memory loss, press 6.
If you have short term memory loss, press 6.
If you have short term memory loss .................'

[underdown]

Things you don't want to hear during your kidney transplant.

'Come back with that right now! Bad dog! Bad dog! Grrrrr.'

[Katie77]

Heres some more from that same mental clinic telephone menu


If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or! before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

[Brokeback_Dev]

I have CDO.

It's like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order, as they should be.

lol

[Kerry]

I'll allow you to make up your own caption for this one! 

Think about it!       

[Kerry]

Better late than never!