Kerry's Komedy Klub

[Katie77]

>     For all of you who frequent restaurants and
> understand the need for the service to be faster,
> this short story is a timeless lesson on how
> consultants can make a difference to an
> organization.
>
>     Last week, we took some friends out to a new
> restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our
> order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed
> a little strange, but when another waiter brought
> our water and utensils I noticed he also had a spoon
> in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw
> that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
>
>     When the waiter came back to serve our soup I
> asked, "Why the spoon?"
>
>     "Well, he explained, "the restaurant's owners
> hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our
> processes. After several months of analysis, they
> concluded that the spoon was the most frequently
> dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of
> approximately 3 spoon s per table per hour. If our
> personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the
> number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15
> man-hours per shift."
>
>     As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he
> was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get
> another spoon next time I go to the kitchen, instead
> of making an extra trip to get it right now."
>
>     I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a
> string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking
> around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same
> string hanging from their flies. So before he walked
> off, I asked the waiter "Excuse me, but can you tell
> me why you have that string right there?"
>
>     "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not
> everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I
> mentioned also found out that we can save time in
> the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you
> know what, we can pull it out without touching it
> and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening
> the time spent in the rest room by 76.39 percent.
>
>     I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it
> back?"
>
>     "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the
> others, but I use the spoon."

[Katie77]

[dot-matrix]

There was a little old lady, who every morning, stepped onto
her front porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted,
"PRAISE THE LORD."

One day an atheist moved into the house next-door. He
became irritated at the little old lady.

Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her and
yell, "THERE IS NO LORD."

Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every
day.

One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped
onto her front porch and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD !!
Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for me,
oh Lord."

The next morning she stepped out onto her porch and there
were two huge bags of groceries sitting there.
"PRAISE THE LORD", she cried out. "HE HAS PROVIDED
GROCERIES FOR ME."

The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and shouted,
"THERE IS NO LORD; I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES !!"

The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted,

"PRAISE THE LORD ! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH
GROCERIES -- AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM !"

[Katie77]

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie

Kissed the girls and made them cry.

When the boys came out to play

He kissed them too cause he was gay.

[Katie77]

Mary had a little lamb

It ran into a pylon.

10,000 volts went up its arse

And turned its wool to nylon.

[Katie77]

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.

Said Simple Simon to the pie man

"What have U got there?"

Said the pie man unto Simon

"Pies ya dick"

[Katie77]

Jack and Jill

Went up the hill

And planned to do some kissing.

Jack made a pass

And grabbed her ass

Now two of his teeth are missing.

[dot-matrix]

Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation during
an endless wait in the LAX airport.

The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man.

The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on whether they had any children the
California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my
husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born,
my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes."

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born,
my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious??

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy
for you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.

"Charm school??" the first woman cried, "Oh my God! What on earth for?"

The Southern lady responded, "Well for one thing, instead of saying:

"Who gives a shit?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious?"

[dot-matrix]

George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said no.

Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said,"Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.


"Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence.


Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.


One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

[dot-matrix]

Walking into his favorite bar, Mike said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, I just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Tom. "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under that bed, you little chickenshit."