Author Topic: Kerry's Komedy Klub  (Read 1413160 times)

Offline Kerry

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Re: Kerry's Komedy Klub
« Reply #2440 on: March 28, 2008, 06:56:28 pm »
I have no idea how this works, I have never been that good at these optical illusion pictures!!!!

But the friend who sent me this said if you stare at it long enough, you should be able to see the ocean.

I tried for a while, I can't see any stupid ocean!






Nope, I can't see the ocean either.  ??? And I stared at it for the longest time!  ::)
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Offline dot-matrix

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Re: Kerry's Komedy Klub
« Reply #2441 on: March 29, 2008, 02:16:35 am »
When a woman wears a leather dress

A man's heart beats quicker,

He goes weak in the knees,

And he begins to think irrationally.

Ever wonder why?


 ???


 ???

 :)

 ::)

 :o






Because she smells like a new truck.
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Offline dot-matrix

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Re: Kerry's Komedy Klub
« Reply #2442 on: March 29, 2008, 02:19:33 am »
Nope, I can't see the ocean either.  ??? And I stared at it for the longest time!  ::)

Same here..Ocean   WHAT Ocean ?

???


 ::)


 :laugh:
« Last Edit: March 29, 2008, 06:19:53 am by dot-matrix »
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Offline dot-matrix

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Re: Kerry's Komedy Klub
« Reply #2443 on: March 29, 2008, 02:21:41 am »
A man walked into the office of a plastic surgeon and gave
a cheque for two thousand pounds to the receptionist.
"I think there is some mistake," said the receptionist.
"Your bill is only one thousand pounds."

"I know," said the man, "but the operation was tremendously
successful. The surgeon took some skin from my behind -
where no one will ever see that it's missing - and grafted it
on to my cheek and totally got rid of the large scar I used to
have there."

"So the extra thousand is for a job well done?" asked the
receptionist.

"Not exactly. It's a token of appreciation for all the delight
I get every time my mother-in-law kisses my backside - and
doesn't even know it."
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Offline Katie77

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Re: Kerry's Komedy Klub
« Reply #2444 on: March 29, 2008, 05:31:16 am »
Holy E-Mail......
 
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally
behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the
angel to Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are
misbehaving and only 5% are not.

God thought for a moment and said,'Maybe I had better send down a second
angel to get another opinion.'

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The
Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good,
because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to
help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?

 ???


 ???

 
 ???


 ???


Okay. I was just wondering. I didn't get one either.....

Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect.

It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfection

Offline dot-matrix

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Re: Kerry's Komedy Klub
« Reply #2445 on: March 29, 2008, 06:22:29 am »
Passport Application


Dear Minister,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.

How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?

How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.
Do you people do this by hand?

You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!

I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!
Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!

I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone "important" to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor... who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN...

Yours sincerely,
An Irate British Citizen



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Offline dot-matrix

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Re: Kerry's Komedy Klub
« Reply #2446 on: March 29, 2008, 06:25:15 am »
MY NEW NAME IS Tootsie Featherbiscuits.....DON'T LAUGH UNTIL YOU FIND OUT WHAT YOUR NEW NAME IS

We all need a little stress-reliever! This only takes a minute. Please don't be a bore & ruin it.  Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness to break up the day. If we are honest, we have a lot more stressful days than not. Here is your dose of humor...

A. Follow the instructions to find your new name.

B. Once you have your new name, put it in the subject box and forward it to friends and family & co-workers.

Don't forget to forward it back to the person who sent it to you so they know you participated. And don't go all adult - a senior manager is now known far & wide as Dorky Gizzardsniffer!

The following is excerpted from a children's book, Captain Underpants And the Perilous Plot Professor Poopypants, by Dave Pilkey, in which the evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names...

So:-

1. Use the third letter of your fi rst name to determine your New first name:

a = snickle
b = doombah
c = goober
d = cheesey
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = dumbo
h = farcus
i = dorky
j = doofus
k = funky
l = boobie
m = sleezy
n = sloopy
o = fluffy
p = stinky
q = slimy
r = dorfus
s = snooty
t = tootsie
u = dipsy
v = sneezy
w = liver
x = skippy
y = dink y
z = zippy

2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:

a = dippin
b = feather
c = batty
d = burger
e = chicken
f = barffy
g = lizard
h = waffle
i = farkle
j = monkey
k = flippin
l = fricken
m = bubble
n = rhino
o = potty
p = hamster
q = buckle
r = gizzard
s = lickin
t = snickle
u = chuckle
v = pickle
w = hubble
x = dingle
y = gorilla
z = girdl e

3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:

a = butt
b = boob
c = face
d = nose
e = hump
f = breath
g = pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = head
l = tush
m = chunks
n = dunkin
o = brains
p = biscuits
q = toes
r = doodle
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = frack
w = squirt
x = humperdinck
y = hiney
z = juice

Thus, for example, George W. Bush's new name is: Fluffy Chucklefanny.

Remember that children laugh an average of 146 times a day; adults laugh an average of 4 times a day.  sometimes it pays to be a little childish
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Offline TXdoug

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Re: Kerry's Komedy Klub
« Reply #2447 on: March 29, 2008, 07:31:39 am »
My NEW name is Dipsy Chuckledoodle :laugh:
 :-*

Offline Kerry

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Re: Kerry's Komedy Klub
« Reply #2448 on: March 29, 2008, 07:56:39 am »

Good evening. I'm Dorfus Gizzardlips. Pleased to meet you.
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Offline Kerry

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Re: Kerry's Komedy Klub
« Reply #2449 on: March 29, 2008, 08:00:49 am »


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