Kerry's Komedy Klub

[underdown]

Hey, Dottie, those are fantastic.
Boy, you sure put a smile on our faces.
Now, how am I ever going to get to sleep laughing so much.
 

[Kerry]

Can you relate to this?

Recently, I was diagnosed with

A. A. A. D. D.

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder
      
This is how it develops:
      
I decide to water my garden.
      
As I turn on the hose, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.
      
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.
      
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
      
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
      
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
      
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox, when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
      
I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
      
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
      
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye -- they need to be watered.
      
I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
      
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
      
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote Someone left it on the kitchen table.   
   
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.   
   
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.   
   
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
      
At the end of the day:
      
----the car isn't washed,
----the bills aren't paid,
----there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
----the flowers don't have enough water,
----there is sti ll onl y 1 check in my check book,
----I can't find the remote,
----I can't find my glasses,
----and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
      
Then, when I t ry to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.   

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
      
Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.
      
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
      
GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.

GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.

LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC.
      
P.S I just remembered.
      
I LEFT THE WATER RUNNING IN THE DRIVEWAY!

[Kerry]

"Royal Rewrite all Wrong as Mourners Lose Heads"

by Clare Morgan
Sydney Morning Herald

26 February 2008

When Prince Philip spoke of how 'people removed their hats' as he drove past, it became 'people removed their heads'. "Buckingham Palace" appeared several times as 'Burking in Paris'.

Helen Mirren as Queen Elizabeth and Michael Sheen as Tony Blair in The Queen.

IT WAS promoted as a chance for the deaf and hard of hearing to enjoy a free film under the stars, but a captioning debacle turned it into an embarrassment for Ryde Council.

Saturday night's screening of The Queen at North Ryde Oval became a comedy of errors thanks to subtitles either written by somebody with no comprehension of English or affected by an out-of-control spellcheck.

The film is about the death of Princess Diana and the efforts of the prime minister, Tony Blair, to help the royal family understand the public's grief and outrage.

When a character spoke about Mr Blair being "educated at Fettes", it appeared on screen as "educated the fattest". "Did you vote?" flashed up as "Dead in a boat?". The observation that "every newspaper proprietor has blood on his hands today" became "every newspaper proprietor has blown in his hands today".

When Prince Philip spoke of how "people removed their hats" as he drove past, it became "people removed their heads". "Buckingham Palace" appeared several times as "Burking in Paris".

Ally Woodford, the project manager for Media Access Australia, said the howlers would have been unbelievably frustrating for anyone relying on the captions. "I look at captioned DVDs pretty much every day and it's rare to see a DVD with those sorts of errors," she said.

It is unclear where the offending DVD came from. Outdoor Movies Australia, which staged the screening, said it was responsible only for the screen, projection and sound and directed inquiries to Ryde Council.

But the council declined to say where the DVD came from. Derek McCarthy, from the council's city promotions department, said that just before the screening it was discovered that the DVD provided by the distributor had captioning problems and another disc was sourced "to ensure the target group was not disappointed".

"The copy shown did have some spelling mistakes and interpretations of the script which affected the experience for the deaf community present," he said.

Ms Woodford said although some audience members had contacted the council to express their disappointment, they applauded the council for its initiative.

[Katie77]

Judge to prostitute, "So when did you realize you were raped?"
 
Prostitute, wiping away tears: "When the check bounced.

[dot-matrix]

[Kerry]

[Katie77]

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him of this habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. 'You impotent bastard,'
She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!'
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
'I'll explain the toy . . You explain the kids.'
 


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