Kerry's Komedy Klub

[underdown]

Q: How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. She'll just have to learn to cook in the dark.

[underdown]

On the breast of a barmaid named Gail,
Were tattoed all the prices of ale
While on her behind, for the sake of the blind,
Was the same, only written in braille.

[underdown]

Two men working in a factory came up with a way to get some time off.
One climbed onto a rafter. When the foreman came in, he said 'what the hell are you doing up there?'
'I'm a light bulb', the man replied.
'I think you need some time off', said the foreman.
The first man climbed down and walked out of the factory, and the second man started to follow him.
'Now where the hell do you think you're going?' shouted the foreman.
'Well, ya don't expec me ta work in th dark, do ya?'

[underdown]

There once was a lady, Irene
Who lived on distilled kerosene
But she started absorbin'
Too much hydocarbin,
And since then she's never been seen.

[Katie77]

Rob........enough enough........

[dot-matrix]

A ten year old Jewish boy was failing his math exams. His
parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no
avail. Finally at the insistence of a family friend, they decided
to enrol their son in a private Catholic school.

After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he
walked in from school with a stern focused and very determined
look on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room
and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled
away in his room with math, books strewn about his desk and
the surrounding floor.

He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his
plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and
worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.

This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the
first term's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened,
laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room.
Cautiously, his mother opened it and to her amazement, she
saw a large red 'A' under the subject of Math. Overjoyed,
she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled
at his remarkable progress.

"Was it the nuns that did it ?" the father asked. The boy
shook his head and said, "No."

"Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The textbooks ? The teachers?
The curriculum?"

"No," said the son. "On the first day, when I walked in the front
door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign. I KNEW they were serious."

[dot-matrix]

A man and a young very beautiful woman walk into a posh
upmarket furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink !" the
fellow exclaims.

So the owner of the shop goes in back and
comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.
As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the
man. "That particular fur goes for $165,000.

"No problem ! I'll write you a cheque !"

"Very good sir," says the shop owner, "Today is Saturday.
You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the
cheque has cleared. " So the man and woman leave.

On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged.

"How dare you show your face in here ? There wasn't a single penny in
your cheque account."

"I know, but I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to
thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life !!"

[dot-matrix]

Who understands men ?

The nice men are ugly.

The handsome ones are not nice.

The handsome and nice men are gay.

The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.

The men who are not so handsome, nut are nice men, have
no money.

The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with
money think we are only after their money.

The handsome men without money are after our money.
The handsome men,who are not so nice and somewhat
heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.

The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual
somewhat nice and have money, are pigs.

The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and
have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are
shy and never make the first move.

The men who never make the first move, automatically lose
interest in us if we take the initiative. Now, who in the world
understands men?

Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and
it's our job to stomp on them in the dark until they mature
into something you'd like to have dinner with.

[dot-matrix]

Calories Burned During Sex:

REMOVING HIS CLOTHES:
With his consent.....................................12 Calories
Without his consent............................2,187 Calories

SLIPPING OFF HIS BOXERS:
With both hands.................................. 8 Calories
With one hand...................................12 Calories
With your teeth.................................485 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection......................................6 Calories
Without an erection...........................3,315 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary............................................12 Calories
69 lying down......................................78 Calories
69 standing up...................................812 Calories
Wheelbarrow.....................................216 Calories
Doggy Style......................................326 Calories
Italian chandelier..........................2,912 Calories

ORGASMS:
Real.............................................112 Calories
Fake..........................................1,315 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging.............................18 Calories
Getting up immediately..........................36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately...816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
If you are:
20-29 years.......................................36 Calories
30-39 years.......................................80 Calories
40-49 years......................................124 Calories
50-59 years...................................1,972 Calories
60-69 years...................................7,916 Calories
70 and over........................Results are still pending

DRESSING AFTERWARDS
Calmly..........................................32 Calories
In a hurry.......................................98 Calories
With his father knocking at the door..........5,218 Calories
With your partner knocking at the door..........13,521 Calories

[Kerry]