Kerry's Komedy Klub

[Kerry]

On a recent transpacific flight, a plane passes through
a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go
from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands
up in front of the plane, "I'm too young to die," she wails.

Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last
few minutes to be memorable. Is there anyone on this
plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN ?"

For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten
their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate
woman in the front of the plane.

Then an Aussie bloke stands up in the rear of the plane.
He is gorgeous . . .tall, well built, with sun bleached blond
hair and blue eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle,
unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.

No one moves. Everyone is transfixed. He removes his
shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.

She gasps . . . . He whispers . . . .

"Here you go luv. Iron this, and then get me a beer. . . ."

 

[Kerry]

[dot-matrix]

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, My penis is frozen solid."

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"

Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"

The daughter replies, They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?

[Kerry]

[Kerry]

[Kerry]

Some quotes from Dame Edna!



"Australia is an outdoor country. People only go inside to use the toilet. And that's only a recent development."

"Most of my contemporaries at school entered the World of Business, the logical destiny of bores."

"My parents were very pleased that I was in the army. The fact that I hated it somehow pleased them even more."

"New Zealand is a country of thirty thousand million sheep, three million of whom think they are human."

"Sex is the most beautiful thing that can take place between a happily married man and his secretary."

"To live in Australia permanently is rather like going to a party and dancing all night with one's mother."

[dot-matrix]

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's
marriage seminar. At the session last week, the priest asked
Luigi, who was approaching his 50th anniversary, to take a few
minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to
stay married to the same woman all these years,

Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've tried to
treat her nice, spend the money on her, but best is that I took
her to Italy for the 20th anniversary."

The priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to
all the husbands here. Please tell us what you are planning for
your wife for your 50th anniversary."

Luigi proudly replied, "I'm gonna go and get her."

[dot-matrix]

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a news-stand to buy a paper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind
my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," says the clerk.
"Nope, I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later, she goes to McDonald's and asks the girl
at the counter the very same question.

The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk
this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man
waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although
when I was young there was a sure fire way to tell how old a
woman was."

"It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my
hands under your bra. Then and only then can I tell you
EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiousity
gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell,
go ahead."

He slips both his hands under her blouse and begins to feel
around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs
each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He presses her breasts together and rubs them against each
other.

After a few minutes of this, she says, "OK, OK, How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his
hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible,
how could you tell ?"

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't," she says.
"I was behind you at McDonald's."

[dot-matrix]

I was out walking with my four year old daughter. She picked up
something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth.
I took the item away from her and asked her not to do that.
"WHY ?" my daughter asked.

"Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been,
it's probably has germs on it," I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration, and
asked, "Mummy, , , , ,how do you know this stuff?""Uh," I was
thinking quickly. "All mums know this stuff , it's in the Mummy
Test. You have to know it or they don't let you become a Mummy."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently
pondering this new information..
"OH, I get it," she beamed. "So if you don't pass the test, you have to
be the Daddy."

"Exactly, " I replied back with a big smile on my face.

[dot-matrix]

Smiles for the Day


If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the. ..?!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
 (Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
( I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)