Kerry's Komedy Klub

[Kerry]

[pettifogger]

[Kerry]

[dot-matrix]

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website,
and the answers are actual responses by the website
officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.


Q. Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen
it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK)

A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around
watching them die.
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Q. Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A. Depends how much you've been drinking.
<><>

Q. I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the
railroad tracks ? (Sweden)

A. Sure, it's only 3,000 miles. Take lots of water.
<><>

Q. Are there any ATM s in Australia? Can you send me a list
of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville & Hervey Bay? (UK)

A. What did your last slave die of ?
<><>

Q. Can you give me some information about hippo racing
in Australis ? (USA)

A. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of
Europe. . . Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the
Pacific which does not . . . Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo
racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
<><>

Q. Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

A. Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when
you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
<><>

Q. Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? (UK)

A. Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
<><>

Q. Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A. Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y,
which is . . . oh forget it. Sure the Vienna Boy' Choir play every
Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races.
<><>

Q. Can I wear high heels in Australia ? (UK)

A. You are a British politician, right ?
<><>

Q. Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available
all year round ? (Germany)

A. No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/
gatherers. Milk is illegal.
<><>

Q. Please send me a list of all doctors in Australia who can
dispense rattlesnake serum? (USA)

A. Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where you come
from.
<><>

Q. I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but
I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A. It's called a Drop Bear. They are so-called because they drop
out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking beneath.
<><>

Q. I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.
Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA)

A. Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
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Q. Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female
population is smaller than the male population ? (Italy)

A. Yes, gay night clubs.
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Q. Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? (France)

A. Only at Christmas.
<><>

Q. I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R and I want to contact the

girl I dated while I was staying at Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)

A. Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
<><>

Q. Will I be able to speak English most places I go ? (USA)

A. Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

[dot-matrix]

If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before
getting the facts and thinking things through, you'll
love this one.

A large company, feeling it was time for a shake-up hired
a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the
company of all slackers.

On a tour of facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning up
against the wall and asked, "How much money do you
make a week ?

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied,
"I make $400 a week. Why ?"

The CEO then handed him $1,600 in cash and screamed,
"Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the
room and asked, " Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-
ball did around here ?"

From across the room came a voice, "Pizza Delivery Guy
from Domino's."

[dot-matrix]

On the first day, God created the dog and said,

"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who
comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of
twenty years."

The dog said, " That's a long time to be barking. How about ten
years and I will give you back the other ten."

On the second day, God created the monkey and said,
"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this I
will give you a twenty year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? THat's a
pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten
like the dog did?"

And God sighed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, " You must go
into the field with the farmer all day long, and suffer under the
sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.
For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live
for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give you back the
other forty."

And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said, "Eat, sleep,
party, marry and enjoy your life. For this I will give you
twenty years."

But man said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me
twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave
back, and the ten the dog gave back. that makes eighty, Okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and
enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to
support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks
to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we
sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information,
I am doing it as a public service.

[dot-matrix]

A sweet young blonde goes to a soft drink machine just
ahead of a business -man who wants to quench his thirst.
She opens her purse and puts in 50 cents, studies the
buttons for a short time, pushes a Diet Coke selection and
out comes a Diet Coke. She puts it on the counter by the
machine.

She reaches into her purse and takes out a dollar and inserts
it into the machine. She examines the buttons carefully,
then pushes the button for Coke Classic. Out comes a Coke
Classic and 50 cents change.

She immediately takes the change and puts it in the machine,
studies the buttons for a moment and pushes the Solo button.
Out pops a Solo.

As she is reaching into her purse again, the thirsty business-
man says, "Excuse me miss, but why are you putting more
money in?"

She looks at him and replies, indignantly, "Well, duhhh. I am
still winning !!"

[dot-matrix]

Lawyers should never ask a grandma a question if they
aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney
called his first witness, a grandmotherly elderly woman
to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr Williams. I've
known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've
been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your
wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind
their backs. You think you're a big-shot when you haven't the
brains to realize you never will amount to anything other than
a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned !!

Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and
asked, " Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney ?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley
since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a
drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with
anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire
state, not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different
women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.

The defence attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and in
a very quiet voice said, :If either of you idiots asks her if she
knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair. . . . . ."

[dot-matrix]

On a recent transpacific flight, a plane passes through
a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go
from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands
up in front of the plane, "I'm too young to die," she wails.

Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last
few minutes to be memorable. Is there anyone on this
plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN ?"

For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten
their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate
woman in the front of the plane.

Then an Aussie bloke stands up in the rear of the plane.
He is gorgeous . . .tall, well built, with sun bleached blond
hair and blue eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle,
unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.

No one moves. Everyone is transfixed. He removes his
shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.

She gasps . . . . He whispers . . . .

"Here you go luv. Iron this, and then get me a beer. . . ."

[dot-matrix]

A blonde found herself in serious financial trouble after
her business had gone bankrupt. She was so desperate
that she decided to ask God for help. She prayed, "God,
please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get
some money soon, I'm going to lose my house as well.
Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night came and the blonde didn't win.

She again prayed, "God, please let me win the lottery. I've
lost my business, my house and now I'm going to lose my
car as well."

Lottery night came and she still had no luck.

Once again, she prayed,
My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business,
my house and my car. My children are starving. I don't often
ask you for help and I've always been a good servant to you.
PLEASE, let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get
my life back in order."

Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light and the heavens
opened.
The blonde was over-whelmed by the voice of God Himself,
"Sweetheart, work with me on this . . .buy a ticket."