Kerry's Komedy Klub

[Kerry]

[Kerry]

[Kerry]

[Kerry]

[Kerry]

[Katie77]

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Californiawhen suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
 
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes,RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?' 
   

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, Why not?'
 
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to aNASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
 
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility inHamburg , Germany 
 
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
   
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'
 
'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.
 
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. 
   
Then the Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'
 
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'& nbsp;
 
'You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government', says Bud. 
     
'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?' 
   
'No guessing required.' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a
herd of sheep. ..
 
Now give me back my dog
 
 
 
 
 

 
 
 

[southendmd]

IF THEY HAD A JEWISH MOTHER...


MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER: "After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?"


 
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't call, you didn't write."


 
MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER: "A ceiling you paint? Not good enough for you the walls, like the other children?  Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off the ceiling?"


NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "You're not hiding your report card?  Show me!  Take your hand out of your jacket and show me!"


 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Again with that hat!  Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"


GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

 

THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Okay, so I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb.  Now turn it off already and go to sleep!"


 
PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is long past your bedtime!"

 

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Your senior photograph and you couldn't have done something with your hair?"


 
MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER: "Desert, schmesert!  Where have you really been for the last forty years?"

 
 
BILL GATES' JEWISH MOTHER: "It would have killed you to become a doctor?"

 
 
BILL CLINTON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Well, at least she was a nice Jewish girl, that Monica!"

[Kerry]

MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER: "After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?"

[Katie77]

Love all those Jewish Mother's......have copied and emailed to my friends.

[Kerry]