Kerry's Komedy Klub

[dot-matrix]

A blonde walks into an electrical appliance store and says to
the clerk, "I want to buy that T V over there."

He says in return, "I'm sorry, we don't sell stuff to blondes."

Next day, she comes in with red hair and says, "I want to
buy that T V over there."

He says, "I'm sorry, we don't sell things to blondes."

Next day she come in with brown hair and says, "I want to buy
that T V over there."

He says, "I'm sorry, but we don't sell things to blondes."

Frustrated she says, "How do you know I'm a blonde ?"

He replies, " That's not a T V . It's a microwave."

[dot-matrix]

A woman brings a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she
lays the duck on the examination table the vet pulls out his stethoscope
and listens to the duck's chest for signs of life.

After a few moments the vet shakes his head and turns to the woman and says sadly, "I'm
sorry but the duck has passed away."

The distressed owner wails, "Are
you sure?"

Yes of course I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replies."

How can you be so sure?" she protests. "I mean you haven't done any testing
- he might be in a coma or something."

The vet rolls his eyes and leaves the room. He returns with a black
Labrador. As the duck's owner looks in amazement, the dog stands on his
hind legs, puts his front paws on the examination table and sniffs the
duck from top to bottom. He then looks at the vet and with sad eyes
shakes his head.The vet pats the dog on the head and takes him out and
returns a few moments later with a cat.

The cat jumps up on the table and also sniffs the duck from its beak to its tail at
the back end and back again. The cat sits and shakes its head and meows softly, jumps
down from the examination table and strolls out of the examination room.

The vet looks at the woman and says, "I am sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
 
The vet turns to his computer terminal and after hitting a few keys a
bill is printed off, which he hands to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, takes the bill. "£450!" she cries.
"£450 just to tell me my duck is dead?"

The vet shrugs. "If you had accepted my word for it,
the bill would have been only £30. But with the lab report and the cat
scan - it all adds up."

[Kerry]

[dot-matrix]

[underdown]

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: 'I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me.

'When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.

 'I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive. Now, what is it you wish to ask?'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

 She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' said the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
I'm married and I'm a jew.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Dave and I'm going to a fancy dress party.'

[Kerry]

Australia is presently in the throws of a Federal election, which will be held on Nov 24.

There's nothing an Australian loves more than pillorying and ridiculing the politicians we ourselves elected to office, which encompasses our second favourite passtime - engaging in the Tall Poppy Syndrome.

This present election is being waged between the forces of goodness and light, represented by the head of the  opposition, Kevin Rudd (think Democrats), and the forces of darkness and malevolence under the present Prime Minister, the arch-conservative homophobe, John Howard (think Republicans).

Some comments from me on the campaign tail:

John Howard has vowed that, if re-elected, he will hand-over the Prime Ministership to his Treasurer, the loathed, distrusted and constantly smirking, Peter Costello. This toon also ties in another subject presently in the public eye in Oz  - whether to go with desalination plants or convert sewage for our future water requirements:

Kevin Rudd is rating high in the polls at present. However, he is new to the Federal political arena and largely unknown to the average Australian outside his native Queensland. I swear I overheard this comment on Oxford Street recently (Oxford Street runs through the heart of Sydney's gay ghetto):

 

[dot-matrix]

This joke comes to you all from my beloved Bob!  He came rushing in this evening bursting to tell me this one.... I LOVE it hope you do too 


An Englishman, A Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into
a pub. They proceed to each buy a pint of Guinness.

Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage,
three flies landed in each of their pints and were stuck in
the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust,
The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and
continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it over
the beer and started yelling, " Spit it out, spit ot out, you
little bugger."

[dot-matrix]

This little guys definitely got rhythm

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[dot-matrix]

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a
suit-case. He says, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney where prostitutes get
paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."

Later, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and
sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks where
he's going, he replies, "I'm going to Sydney too. I want to see
you live on $800 a year."

[dot-matrix]

A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired
two new dogs and asked what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named
Rolex and the other was named Timex.

Her friend asked, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"Hellooo," answered the blonde, "They're watch dogs !"