Kerry's Komedy Klub

[underdown]

Smart rejoinders for the office. (for S.A.s).

1. Oh .. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
9. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
13. No, my powers can only be used for good.
14. How about never? Is never good for you?
15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to ask nicely.
16. You sound reasonable...Must be time to up my medication.
17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
23. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
24. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
25. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject

[underdown]

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota.

The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn .. the wife likes to read.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors,and starts to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am.

What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "Isn't it obvious?")

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.

I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

[underdown]

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until i tell you," she said, "Pretend you are a statue."

"What's this ?" her husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's a statue," she replied. "The Smiths bought one and i liked it so I got one for us, too."

Nothing more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 am the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, " Have this, I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."

[dot-matrix]

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until i tell you," she said, "Pretend you are a statue."

"What's this ?" her husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's a statue," she replied. "The Smiths bought one and i liked it so I got one for us, too."

Nothing more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 am the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, " Have this, I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."

Now that was FUNNY! 

[dot-matrix]

Wacky Definitions ~ ~


Adolescence ~~ period between puberty and adultery.

Bacteria ~~ the back entrance of a cafeteria.

Adults ~~ people who have stopped growing at the ends but have
started to grow in the middle.


Blunderbuss ~~ a coach load of spinsters on their way to a maternity
hospital.

Buoyant ~ ~ male equivalent of gallant.

Catacomb ~ ~ comb for a cat.

Cloak ~~ mating call of a Chinese frog.

Dogma ~ ~ the mother of puppies.

Eunuch ~ ~ man cut out to be a bachelor.

Mistress ~ ~ something between a mister and a mattress.

Mushroom ~ ~ place where Eskimos train their dogs.

Myth ~ ~ unmarried female with a lisp.

Octopus ~ ~ an eight sided cat.

Polysyllables ~ ~ the language of parrots.

Sadist ~ ~ someone who would put a drawing pin on an
electric chair.

Signature tune ~ ~ song of a young swan.

Ultimate ~ ~ the last person to marry.

Vice versa ~ dirty poems.

[dot-matrix]

Fresh from a shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror,
complaining to her husband that her breasts were too small.

Instead of automatically telling her it's not so, the husband
uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. If you want
your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper
and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.

Willing to try anything, the woman grabs a piece of toilet paper
and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take ?" she asksl
"They will grow larger over a period of years, " he replies.

"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my
breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years ?"

Without missing a beat, he says, " Worked for your bum, didn't it ?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of physiotherapy, he may even walk
again. Stupid, stupid man.

[dot-matrix]

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Suzie,
something special for their first wedding anniversary. So he
decided to buy her a mobile phone. He showed her the phone
and explained to her all its features.


Suzie was excited to receive the gift and simply loved her phone.

The next day, Suzie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment
it was her husband on the other end. "Hi, Suzie, " he said, "How do you like
your new phone ?"

Suzie replied, " I just love it. It's so small and your voice is clear
as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand."

"What's that, sweetie ?" asked her husband.
"How did you know I was in K Mart ?" 

[Dagi]

Without missing a beat, he says, " Worked for your bum, didn't it ?"

            

[Kerry]

[dot-matrix]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
 
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
 
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
 
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
 
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"

"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
 
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
 
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
 
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we
can get to work."

"Tripod??"

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"