Kerry's Komedy Klub

[Katie77]

>
> > A good Golf Joke
> A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinse Businessman and an
> Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in
> front of them.
> The Aussie fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting
> for fifteen minutes!"
> The Indian Doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such poor
> golf!"
> The Chinese Businessman called out "Move it, time is money"
> The Catholic Priest said, "Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's
> have a word with him."
> "Hello, George!", said the Catholic Priest, "What's wrong with that group
> ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
> George the greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire
> fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year,
> so we always let them play for free anytime."
> The group fell silent for a moment.
> The Catholic Priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special
> prayer for them tonight."
> The Indian Doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my
> ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
> The Chinese Businessman replied, "I think I'll donate $50,000 to the
> fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls"
> The Aussie said, "Why can't they f----ing play at night?"
>
>
>

[southendmd]

[Kerry]

[Katie77]

> > Two English businessmen in London were
> > sitting down
> > > > > for a break in their soon-to-be new
> store.
> > > > >
> > > > > As yet, the store wasn't ready,
> with
> > only a few
> > > > > shelves set up.
> > > > >
> > > > > One said to the other, "I bet any
> > minute now some
> > > > > idiot tourist is going to walk by, put
> his
> > face to
> > > > > the window, and ask what we're
> > selling."
> > > > >
> > > > > No sooner were the words out of his
> mouth
> > when, sure
> > > > > enough, a curious Italian walked to the
> > window, had
> > > > > a peek, and in a thick Italian accent
> asked
> > "Ay, what
> > > > > are youse guys sellin in dere?"
> > > > >
> > > > > One of the men replied sarcastically,
> > "We're selling
> > > > > ass-holes"
> > > > >
> > > > > Without skipping a beat, the Italian
> said,
> > "You're
> > > > > doing a good job ... Only two
> left."
> > > > >
> > > > > Englishmen - God bless them - but they
> > shouldn't not mess with
> > > > > Italians...
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> >
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------
>

[Katie77]

BBQ   RULES
We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...

(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....

(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine....

( The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off.' And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....

[Kerry]

[Kerry]

Cheers, dears! Up yer kilts!    

[Kerry]

[Kerry]

[Kerry]

I'm allowed to tell this joke, because I was once a blonde. 

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. 
 
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly---from the sky---a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
 
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of coffee and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" 
 
The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more. "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" 
 
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"

The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK!"