Kerry's Komedy Klub

[dot-matrix]

Life in the Australian Army

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that
the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in
bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!

I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get
outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta do
before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform.
No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!!
Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot
water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks
or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon
and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a
'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the
back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep
getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a
bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya
like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize
cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself
comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even
load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya don't have
to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when
you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real
careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil
and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home
after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best
the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the
Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across
the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin'
wet ,but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the
boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before
word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

[dot-matrix]

Cold Winter Ahead...

It was already late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked
Their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets.
When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to
Be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth,
Called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service
Responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order
To be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going
To be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a v ery cold winter."

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood
They could find.

Two weeks later the chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure
That the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the
Coldest winters we've ever seen."

"How can you be so sure?" the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

[dot-matrix]

The look on this poor bloodhounds face is priceless  I don't blame him I would not want to sniff those either!

[underdown]

He said ... 'I don't know why you wear a bra;
you've nothing to put in it.'

She said ... 'You wear pant's, don't you?'

[underdown]

He said ... 'Why don't we try swapping positions tonight?'

She said ... 'That's a good idea. You stand by the ironing board while I sit in front of the TV.'

[underdown]

He said ... 'What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?'

She said ... 'Turn sideways and look in the mirror!'

[underdown]

Q ... Why is it so difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?

A ... They already have boyfriends.

[underdown]

Q ... What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

A ... A widow.

[underdown]

Q ... Why are married women heavier than single women?

A ... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge, and go to bed.
       Married women come home, see what's in the bed, and go to the fridge.

[underdown]

Automatic 'phone message:

'If you wish to place an order for marijuana, please enter the amount , then press the hash key.'