Kerry's Komedy Klub

[Kerry]

Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational, which once again asked  readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,  subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.  Here are the winners:

Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders  the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which  lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that  stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately,  shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the  purpose of getting laid.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit  and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are  running late.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra  credit)

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these  really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's  like, a serious bummer.

Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day  consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dope-ler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when  they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into  your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in  the fruit you're eating.

[Kerry]

The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its  yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings  for common words. And the winners are:

Coffee, n. the person upon whom one coughs.

Flabbergasted, adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

Abdicate, v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade, v. to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly, adj. impotent.

Negligent, adj. absentmindedly answering the door when  wearing only a nightgown.

Lymph, v. to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle, n. olive-flavored mouthwash.

Flatulence, n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone  who has been run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash, n. a rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle, n. a humorous question on an exam.

Rectitude, n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

Pokemon, n. a Rastafarian proctologist.

Oyster, n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

Frisbeetarianism, n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

Circumvent, n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

[Katie77]

YOU WILL NEVER LOOK AT LIQUID SOAP THE SAME WAY EVER AGAIN.......

[southendmd]

Wow, Sue, I didn't see that one coming.

[Katie77]

Wow, Sue, I didn't see that one coming

........being the operative word........

[southendmd]

........being the operative word........

rub-a-dub-dub, three men in a tub...

[Katie77]

rub-a-dub-dub, three men in a tub...

THREE ??

[southendmd]

THREE ??

Well, cleanliness is next to godliness, after all. 


With thanks to Mother Goose:

Rub a dub dub,
Three men in a tub,
And who do you think they be?
The butcher, the baker,
The candlestick maker.
Turn them out, knaves all three!

[Katie77]

Oh......so we are onto nursery rhymes now are we..........

Humpty Rumpty sat in the tub.
Humpty Rumpty had a hot rub.
All the Quean’s lovers
and all the Quean’s kin
semened poor Rumpty together again.
 

[southendmd]

All righty then, I found some:


Adult Nursery Rhymes: Bedtime Poems --For BIG Kids

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

Mary had a little lamb,
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb NFBSK!"

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses and all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.

Hey diddle diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

Georgie Porgy Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car