Kerry's Komedy Klub

[Katie77]

whats missing?

[Katie77]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time
we had sex together over fifty years ago?

We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence
and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around back there again and we
can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and,
having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these
two old timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them
so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for
support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the
tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and
the old man drops his trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they
erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.

This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and
moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and
old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple
struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The Policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly
amazing; I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was
something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there
some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't
an electric fence."
 

[underdown]

whats missing?

... And God rested, in the certain knowledge that the blokes were in good hands ...

             ...  and would never be allowed to get away with anything !!

 

[Katie77]

... And God rested, in the certain knowledge that the blokes were in good hands ...

             ...  and would never be allowed to get away with anything !!

 

He certainly did that............

[dot-matrix]

[dot-matrix]

If You Love Somebody. . .

The Original Version: If you love somebody, Set her free… If she comes back, she’s yours, If she doesn’t, she never was..


The New Versions:
 
Pessimist: If you love somebody, Set her free… If she ever comes back, she’s yours, If she doesn’t, well, as expected, she never was.

Optimist: If you love somebody, Set her free… Don’t worry, she will come back.

Suspicious: If you love somebody, Set her free… If she ever comes back, ask her why.

Impatient: If you love somebody, Set her free… If she doesn’t come back within some time limit, forget her.

Patient: If you love somebody, Set her free… If she doesn’t come back, continue to wait until she comes back…

Playful: If you love somebody, Set her free… *If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat*

Animal-Rights Activist: If you love somebody, Set her free… In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!

Lawyers: If you love somebody, Set her free… Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that…

Bill Gates: If you love somebody, Set her free… If she comes back, I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and tell her that she’s also going to get an upgrade.

Schwarzenegger’s Fan: If you love somebody, Set her free… SHE’LL BE BACK!

Over Possessive: If you love somebody don’t set her free.

HR Specialist: If you love somebody set her free… By offering her VRS and other benefits, then outsource her.

Psychologist: If you love somebody set her free… If she comes back, her super ego is dominant; If she doesn’t come, back her id is supreme; If she doesn’t go, she must be crazy.

Somnabulist: If you love somebody set her free… If she comes back, it’s a nightmare; If she doesn’t, you must be dreaming.

Finance Expert: If you love somebody set her free… If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans; If she doesn’t, write her off as an asset gone bad.

Marketing Expert: If you love somebody set her free… If she comes back, she has brand loyalty; If she doesn’t, reposition the brand in new markets.

[dot-matrix]

There were three little pigs that went out to dinner together one night. When the waiter came to take their drink order… the first little pig said “I would like a Sprite.” “I would like a Coke.” said the second little piggy. “I want water. Lots and lots of water.” said the third little piggy.

The waiter brings their drinks and then takes their orders for dinner. “I want a nice big steak.” said the first piggy. “I would like the salad plate.” said the second piggy. “I want water. Lots and lots of water.” said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approachs the table and asks if the piggies would like any dessert.

“I want a banana split.” said the first piggy. “I would like a root beer float.” said the second piggy. “I want water. Lots and lots of water.” exclaimed the third little piggy.

“Pardon me for asking,” said the waiter, “but why have the other pigs ordered dinner and dessert and you only ordered water?”

“Well,” the third little piggy answered “Somebody has to go WEE…WEE…WEE… all the way home!”

[underdown]

A little old man goes to a large logging company for a job as a tree feller.
The manager looks him up and down and shakes his head, but the little man persists.

The manager decides he will have to prove to the guy that he isn't quite up to the job,
so he takes him out to the forest, hands him an axe and asks him to fell a large pine tree.
The little man takes one swing, and down comes the pine.

With raised eyebrows, the manager takes him to a group of 3 stout oaks and asks him to cut them down.
The little man makes 3 cuts to each one, and they topple.

Very surprised, now, the manager shows him a giant Douglas Fir, and asks him to fell it.
The little man limbers up, spits on his hands, and starts chopping.
After only 10 cuts, the giant tree falls with a huge crash that shakes the forest.

'Amazing. Absolutely amazing' says the manager. 'Where did you learn to cut trees like that?'
The little man humbly replies, 'In the Sahara Forest.'
'You mean the Sahara Desert', smirks the manager.

....  'Well, yeah, that's what it's called now.'

[Dagi]

Great jokes, girls and guy! Thanks for making me laugh every day!

[underdown]

One day, little Billy's teacher asks her class to think of a story, and the moral of it, as their homework.

Next day, Billy tells his story.

'My dad fought in the Vietnam war. Unfortunately, his plane was shot down over enemy territory.
He jumped out with his parachute, carrying only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete.

On the way down, he drank the case of beer, and landed smack in the middle of 100 enemy soldiers.

He shot 70 of them with the machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he used the machete to kill another 20.
Then the machete broke, and he killed the last 10 with his bare hands.'

The teacher was spellbound and shocked by the story, but managed to ask, 'And what is the moral of the story, Billy?'

Billy repied, 'Oh, that's easy. Don't mess with my old man when he's been drinking.'