Kerry's Komedy Klub

[underdown]

 

I really should keep outa here late at night.

All that laughter causes hyperventilation and crazy dreams !

(But it sure is the best thing before bed.   ....   next to putting the cat out, of course)

[underdown]

'Will you still love me when I'm old and ugly?'

'Oh darling, of course I do.'
 

[underdown]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," she says, and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount.
For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.  " Yep! Same for me," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.60."
Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was clearing the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a couple of million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "So, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, and replies, "My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
 

[underdown]

A woman was very worried that she had not had a date in a long time,
so she went to the famous Dr Chung, recommended by a well known TV personality.
'OK', said Dr Chung, 'take off all your crose.'
The woman did as she was told.
'Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room.'
Again the woman did as she was told.
'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.'
So she did.
Dr Chung shook his head slowly, and said,
'Your probrem velly, velly bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see.
Dat why you not haf any dates.'
Worried, the woman asked, 'Oh, no, Dr Chung, that sounds dreadful.
What is Ed Zachary Disease?'
Dr Chung looked at her sadly and replied,
'Unforturately, your face look Ed Zachary like your bum.'
 

[Sharon]

[TXdoug]

              

[Kerry]

[dot-matrix]

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he
was going to ask the congregation to come up with
more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church.

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular
organist was sick and a substitute had been
brought in at the last minute.

The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently.
"But you'll have to think of something to play after
I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said,
"Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty;
the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected
and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can
pledge $100 or more, please stand up.

At that moment, the substitute organist played
"The Star Spangled Banner,"

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist.!!

[dot-matrix]

Reasons why English is so hard to understand.

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4. We must polish the Polish furniture.

5. He could lead if he could get the lead out of his feet.

6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought
it was time to present the present.

8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum..

9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10. I did not object to the object.

11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13. They were too close to the door to close it.

14, A seamstress and a sewer fell down the sewer.

15. To help him with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

16. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

17. After a number of injections, my jaw got number.

18. Upon seeing a tear in the painting, I shed a tear.

19. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend.

[dot-matrix]

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding . . . .
Older Lady : Is there a problem, Officer ?
Officer : Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Lady : Oh, I see.
Officer : Can I see your license please?
Older Lady : Oh, I would give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer : Don't have one ?
Older Lady : Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer : I see. . . Can I see your vehicle registration please ?
Older Lady : I can't do that.
Officer : Why not ?
Older Lady : I stole this car.
Officer : Stole it ?
Older Lady : Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer : You what ?
Older Lady : His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk, if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his
car to call for back-up. Within minutes, 5 police cars circle the
car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his
half drawn gun.

Officer 2 : Ma'am, Could you step out of the vehicle please? The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older Lady : Is there a problem sir ?
Officer 2 : One of my officers told me you had stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Lady : Murdered the owner ?
Officer 2 : Yes, could you please open the trunk of the car please?

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2 : Is this your car, ma'am ?
Older Lady : Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2 : One of my officers claims you don't have a driving license.

The woman digs in her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
He examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2 : Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Lady : Bet that liar told you I was speeding too.

Moral : Don't mess with Old Ladies!