Kerry's Komedy Klub

[Katie77]

[Katie77]

[dot-matrix]

The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death.

They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell?

Ees bacon I ahm sure of eet."
 
"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee".


 So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there,  in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
 
 There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture ...
there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...
every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Eet EES a bacon tree!"

"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage?;

We ees in the Desert don't forget."

"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that ...Luis races toward the tree.

He gets to within 5 meters, with Pepe following closely behind, when all
 of a sudden a machine gun opens up and Luis is cut down in his tracks.
 
It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages
to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

 "Pepe...go back man,you was right...ees not a bacon tree."

 "Luis Luis, mi amigo...what ees it?

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree...

Ees..........



Ees..........




Ees..........




Ees..........



 
 ... Eees a Ham Bush

[TXdoug]

                                                           

[Katie77]

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course,
the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the
biggest house adjacent to the course.

 The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive  is going to cost us."
   
 So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm  voice said, "Come on in."
  When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was  all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side  near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my  window?"

 "Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self."

Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie "You've got it, it's the least I can do.
And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
 "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every
country in the world," she said.

  "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

 
 "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.

 Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"
 

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No Kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

 

[Katie77]

 A major International company was looking to hire someone for an
>> important
>>     position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their
>> search
>>     down to three people from different parts of the world.
>>     In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the
>> same
>>     question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer
>> would
>>     get the job.
>>     The question was:
>>
>>     A man and a woman are in bed, nude.
>>     The woman is lying  on her side with her back facing the man, and the
>> man is
>>     lying on his side  facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?
>>
>>     After the 24 hours was  up, the three were brought in to give their
>> answers.
>>     The first, from Canada , says "My answer is, there IS no answer."
>>     The second, from England , says "My answer is that there is no way to
>>     determine the answer with the information we were given."
>>     The third one, from Scotland , says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have
>> it
>>     narrowed down to two names.
>>     It's either: Willie Turner   or Willie Nailer>>
>>     The Scotsman got the job
>>
>>
>>

[dot-matrix]

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed..

"YES YES, I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumb founded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men, are men.

[dot-matrix]

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her 80s and had nver been
married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into
her quaint sitting room. She invited him to take a seat while she made
some tea. As he sat, facing her old pump organ, the young minister
noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the
water floated, of all things, a condom !

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no
longer resist.

"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
pointing to the bowl.

"Oh Yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown
a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would
prevent disease. And you know, I haven't had a cold all winter!!"

[dot-matrix]

A journalist is walking along the beach and notices a young boy in the
surf being attacked by a shark. Then he sees a bloke (guy) rush in,
swim out to the attack, pry the shark's mouth open, give it a flogging
and ends up killing the beast. He swims back to shore with the boy
alive with some gashes out of his leg, then calls for help and makes
sure the youngster is OK.

The journo goes up to the brave rescuer and says, "What an amazing
heroic effort. I'm a journalist and I can see the front page headline
already . . . . Aussie hero saves boy from shark attack."

The hero says, "That's fantastic but I'm actually English."
The next day, the Pom picks up the paper to see the following front
page headline -- - " Pommy Bastard kills young boy's Pet fish."

[dot-matrix]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly
speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous
on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I
start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning
of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to
talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he
found the following note on his door.

1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as
Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s**t out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his
donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said,
"Take, Eat, This is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called, "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not, "Rub-A-Dub-Dub,
thanks for the grub. Yeah God."
14 Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peters
not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffys.