Kerry's Komedy Klub

[Dagi]

            

[Kerry]

A journalist is walking along the beach and notices a young boy in the
surf being attacked by a shark. Then he sees a bloke (guy) rush in,
swim out to the attack, pry the shark's mouth open, give it a flogging
and ends up killing the beast. He swims back to shore with the boy
alive with some gashes out of his leg, then calls for help and makes
sure the youngster is OK.

The journo goes up to the brave rescuer and says, "What an amazing
heroic effort. I'm a journalist and I can see the front page headline
already . . . . Aussie hero saves boy from shark attack."

The hero says, "That's fantastic but I'm actually English."
The next day, the Pom picks up the paper to see the following front
page headline -- - " Pommy Bastard kills young boy's Pet fish."

       

[Kerry]

Birds do it, bees do it, even shiny maroon cars do it . . . . . .

[Kerry]

[Dagi]

[TXdoug]

             

Hi Kerry...Do you draw Christmas 'toons ?  

[Katie77]

Twelve Days Of Christmas


My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree?  How can I ever express my pleasure? 
Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always,

Agnes


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Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift.   Just imagine two turtle doves.  I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift.
They are just adorable.
All my love,

Agnes


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Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one.  Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
All my love,

Agnes


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Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds.  Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough.  You are being too romantic.
Affectionately,

Agnes


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Dearest John:
What a surprise.  Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger.  You're just impossible, but I love it.
Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,

Agnes


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Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps.  So you're back to the birds again huh?
These geese are huge.  Where will I ever keep them?  The neighbours are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket.
Please stop.
Cordially,

Agnes


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John:
What's with you and those freaking birds??  Seven swans a swimming.  What kind of damn joke is this?  There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the pandemonium.  I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny.  So stop those freaking birds.
Sincerely,

Agnes


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O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds.  What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking?  It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows.
There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.
Agnes


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You rotten prick:
Now there's nine ladies dancing.  What in the hell kind of low-life strip club did you find these harlots?  They've been doing all sorts of erotic dancing all night long.
Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea.  My living room is a river of shit.  The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why my house shouldn't be condemned.
I'm calling the police on you !
Agnes


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Listen Shithead:
What's with those ten lords a leaping on those maids and ladies?  Some of those broads will never walk again.  Now they have moved on to humping the cows.  What kind of sick freak are you?  The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds.  The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.  I’m close to having a complete nervous breakdown.  I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.  You'll get yours !

Your sworn enemy,

Agnes


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Hey Dickhead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist?  Now there's eleven pipers playing.  And Christ do they play.  They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning.  All twenty-three of the birds are dead.  They've been trampled to death in the orgy.  The Building Commissioner just left and my home has now been condemned.   I have no where to go.
What am I going to do???



Ohhhh, some nice men dressed in white coats have just arrived and said they would help me.
uuummm Agnes


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Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein.


The destruction, of course, was total, not only to her home but her mental state as well.   All future correspondence should come to our attention.



If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.


With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.


Cordially,

Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chole

[dot-matrix]

Top Ten Country Western Songs

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few.

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win.

5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here.

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him.

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.


And the Number One Country & Western song is...

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass Out All Day Long.

[Katie77]

TopTen Country Songs.....love em love em.....sooooooo funny.....

[Kerry]

Hi Kerry...Do you draw Christmas 'toons ?  

Alas, I have no Christmas cartoons in my portfolio, Doug. 

I do have many cartoons, however, that pillory and lampoon hate-filled, homophobic, bigoted clergymen. Clergymen like His Grace the Right Reverend Peter Jensen, Anglican Archbishop of Sydney. 

"Christian," he ain't! 

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