Kerry's Komedy Klub

[underdown]

A man boards a plane bound for Italy and, after take-off, decides to engage the man next to him, in 21B, in conversation, to pass the time.
'Well, you're off to Rome, too, are you?'
'Hell yeah' replies 21B, 'Shore is. Gunna be real good, seein all them arkifacks an ware all them ceasers had lions munchin on them gladyatas'.
'Oh, then you are a student of archaeology and ancient history, are you?'
'Ya bet I is.' says 21B. 'Gunna see if I c'n learn me that Iti langwidge too. Mite impress the women wen I gets ome'.
'Hmmm, that does sound impressive. Learning a new language is always worthwhile.'
'Aw yeah', replies 21B. 'Miite even get ta meet tha Pope an all, too, ya know. Goin for a job workin fa that there Vadican.'
'Oh, really; attending an interview? How exiciting. And what position do you hope to attain?'
'Arr, one a them jobs doin radeyo anounsin' answers 21B. 'Like one a them dudes ya hear at brekfust, ya know? Givin tha news an tha wetha report?'
'Do you really think you have much chance of success?'
'Well, nagh.  I'm not reely expectin ta get a fair go' replies 2B. ... 'I'm a prodestant.'
 

[Kerry]

[dot-matrix]

A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of Canada. In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best
answer would get the job.

The question was:

A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.

The first from Vancouver, says, 'My answer is, there is no answer.'

The second, from Toronto, says, 'My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given.'

The third one from Newfoundland says,

'I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer.'

The Newfoundlander got the job.

[dot-matrix]

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.



Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.



The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Pittsburgh Steeler Tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"



Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"



The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

[dot-matrix]

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie
went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old
grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had
died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were
making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church
bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and
slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on
the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if
the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

[dot-matrix]

A woman walked into her son's house. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for John to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!" "John loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

[Katie77]

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

 
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the
'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
 At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
 When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
 If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

[underdown]

If your neighbours dropped a drum kit and a set of bagpipes from their 10th floor window,
which would hit the ground first?

*

*

Who really cares?

[underdown]

What's the definition of a gentleman?

One who can play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
 

[underdown]

Fact:

Modern music isn't always as bad as it sounds.