Kerry's Komedy Klub

[dot-matrix]

A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy
Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her
ticket. She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for
Economy and that she will have to go and sit in the back.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to
Melbourne and I'm staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot
and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First
Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back there.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that
because she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an
Economy place and she will have to return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going
to Melbourne and I'm staying right here.

Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and
that he probably should have the police waiting when they
land to arrest the blonde woman that won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm
married to a blonde. I speak blonde."

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says,
"Oh, I'm sorry ~ I had no idea," gets up and moves back to
her seat in the Economy section. The flight attendant and
co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her
move without any fuss.

The pilot replied, "I told her First Class isn't going to
Melbourne."

[dot-matrix]

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the
Urologist who shared an office with several other doctors.
The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached
the reception desk he noticed that the receptionist was a
large, unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

He gave her his name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist
said, "Yes I have your name right here. you want to see the
doctor about impotence, correct ?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around
to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly,
and replied in an equally loud voice.

"No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation, but I
don"t want the same doctor who did yours !!!"

[Kerry]

[Katie77]

NEW WORDS TO THE SONG......I WILL SURVIVE


SING IT GIRLS!!!

At first I was afraid, I was petrified!
When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died!
But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long, that I grew strong, and I knew that I could take you on...
But there you are, another lie,
I was ready for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French fry!
I should have known that it was bulls***t, just a sad pathetic dream
Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking in those
Jeans!

Go on now - go! , Walk out the door,
Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4!
Weren't you a jerk to think I wouldn't find you out!?
Don't you know we're only joking when we say size don't count??!!

[Chorus]

I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!

It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud!
But to hell with your ego and to hell with all your needs,
Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed!

[Chorus]

I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!

[dot-matrix]

One day a teacher said to the class of 5-year olds, "I'll give £2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either.

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I'll give you the £2."

As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."

Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business!"

[dot-matrix]

An out of towner drove his car into a ditch in a
desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help
with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy uo to the car and yelled, "Pull
Nellie, pull" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollowed, "Pull, Buster, pull."
Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull."
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull."

The horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious.
He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the
wrong name three times.

"Well Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the
only horse pulling, he wouldn't even try."

[dot-matrix]

One day a guy died and found himself in hell.
As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting
with a demon. The demon asked, ""Why so glum?"

The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell."
Hell's not so bad," the demon said, "We actually
have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?
"Sure, " the man said, "I love to drink."

"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays
all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine
coolers, vodka and Red Bull. We drink till we throw
up and then we drink some more."

The guy is astounded, "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker ?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it."

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest
cigars from all over the world and smoke our
lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're
already dead, remember ?"

"Wow," said the guy, "that's awesome."
The demon said, "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why, yes as a matter of fact I do.
"Wednesdays, you can gamble all you want.
Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, whatever.
If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow."

"You into drugs ?"
"Are you kidding? I love drugs. You don't mean . . ."
"That's right. Thursday is drug day. Help yourself
to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a
doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the
drugs you want, you're dead, who cares?"

"Wow," said the guy, starting to feel better about his
situation, "I never realised Hell was such a cool place."

The demon said, "You gay ?"

"No way."

"Ooooooooh,  well then you're gonna hate Fridays."

[TXdoug]

Happy Easter Season, Kerry

[Kerry]

Happy Easter Season, Kerry

Happy Easter to you too, Doug!

And to all Komedy Klub members!

Have a lovely Easter, everyone!

[dot-matrix]