Kerry's Komedy Klub

[dot-matrix]

They were together in the house, just the two of them.
It was a cold, dark, stormy night.

The storm had come quickly and each time the thunder
boomed, he watched her jump.

She looked across the room and admired his strong
appearance . . . and wished that he would take her in his
arms, comfort her and protect her from the storm.

Suddenly, with a pop, the power went out . . .
She screamed . . .

He raced to the sofa where she was cowering.
He didn't hesitate to pull her into his arms.

He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her
to pull back. He was surprised when she didn't resist
but instead clung to him.
The storm raged on.

They knew it was wrong . . .

Their families would never understand . . .
So consumed were they in their FEAR that
they heard no opening of doors, . . . just
the faint click of a camera.
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[dot-matrix]

Miracle Cure ~~ The magic effects of white wine.

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered Yes to any of those questions, ask your
doctor or pharmacist about White Wine.

White Wine is the safe natural way to feel better and more
confident about yourself and your actions. White Wine
can ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world
that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost immediately
and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any
obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you
will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding
and start living with White Wine.

However, White Wine may not be right for everyone. Women
who are pregnant or nursing should not use White Wine.

However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming
pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration,
erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of
money, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dry mouth,
dehydration, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all night rounds
of Strip Poker, Truth or Dare, and Naked Twister.

WARNING.

The consumption of White Wine may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.

The consumption of White Wine is a major factor in dancing
like an idiot.

The consumption of White Wine may cause you to tell your
friends over and over again, that you love them.

The consumption of White Wine may cause you to think you
can sing.

The consumption of White Wine may lead you to believe that
ex-lovers are really dying for you to ring them at 4 in the morning.

The consumption of White Wine may make you think you can
logically converse with members of the opposite sex without
spitting.

The consumption of White Wine may create the illusion that you
are tougher, smarter, faster and better than most people.

The consumption of White Wine may lead you to think people
are laughing WITH you.

The consumption of White Wine may be a major factor in
getting your ass kicked.

NOW JUST IMAGINE WHAT YOU COULD ACHIEVE WITH
RED WINE.

[dot-matrix]

On their way to get married a young Catholic couple is
involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found them-
selves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St Peter
to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to
wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven ?

When St Peter showed up, they asked him. St Peter says,
"I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked.
Let me go and find out," and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed;
the couple was still waiting As they waited, they discussed that
IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the
eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work ?" they
wondered. "Are we stuck together FOREVER ?"

After yet another month, St Peter finally returns, looking
somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you
CAN get married in Heaven."

"Great," said the couple, "But we were jusy wondering, what
if things don't work out ?" Could we also get a divorce in
Heaven ?"

St Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clip-board onto
the ground.

"What's wrong ?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH COME ON," St Peter shouts, "It took me 3 months
to find a priest up here ! Do you have ANY idea how long
it's going to take me to find a LAWYER ?"

[Katie77]

 

That was a beauty dot...

[Katie77]

I received this today, from an old friend, who is NOT aware of my Brokeback obsession...

[Katie77]

Prince  Charles decided to take up jogging.

Every day, he'd jog  past a hooker standing on the same street corner.   


 

He learned to brace  himself as he approached her for what was almost  certain to follow.   

'One hundred and fifty  pounds!' she'd shout from the curb.

'No! Five  pounds!' He would fire back, just to shut her  up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a  daily occurrence.


 

He'd run by and  she'd yell, 'One hundred and Fifty pounds!'   


 

He'd yell back,  'Five pounds!'

One day, Camilla decided that she  wanted to accompany her 'husband' on his jog.   

As the jogging couple neared the working  woman's street corner,


 

Prince Charles  realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder  what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.   


 

He  figured he'd better have a good explanation for his  Wife.


 

As they jogged into  the turn that would take them past the corner, he  became even more apprehensive than usual.


 

Sure  enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid  the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.   

Then, from her corner, the hooker  yelled:


 

'See what you get  for five pounds, you tight bastard?!'   

[Kerry]

Paris Hilton's new accessory.

[dot-matrix]

Some High School Test Answers ~ ~ The following questions
were actually collected from tests given in 2000 to 16 year
old student. Don't laugh too hard, one of these kids could be
Prime Minister one day.

Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water an be made safe
to drink.
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink, because it removes
large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q. How is dew formed ?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What is a planet ?
A. A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets
an election.

Q. What are steroids ?
A. Things for keeping carpets on the stairs.

Q. What happens when your body as you age ?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get
intercontinental.

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes ?
A. Premature death.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour ?
A. Keep it in the cow.

Q. How are the main parts of the body categorized ?
(Eg., abdomen.)
A. The body is consisted into three parts . . . . the
brainium, the borax, and the abdominal cavity.
The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains
the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains
the five vowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q. What is a fibula ?
A. A small lie.

Q. What does " varicose" mean ?
A. Nearby.

Q. What is the most common form of birth control ?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a
condominium.

Q. Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian section."
A. The caesarian section is a district in Rome.

Q. What is a seizure ?
A. A Roman emperor.

Q. What is a terminal illness ?
A. When you are sick at the airport.

Q. What does benign mean ?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q. What is a turbine ?
A. Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q. What is a Hindu ?
A. It lays eggs.

[dot-matrix]

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic
trees ! What beautiful animals !" he said to himself.

As he was walking along-side the river he heard a rustling in
the bushes behind him. He turned to look, A seven foot
grizzly was charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up
the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw the bear was
closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he
tried to run faster.

He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself
up, but saw the bear was on top of him. At that instant, the atheist
cried out, "Oh, my God."

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent as a bright
light shone upon him and a voice came out of the sky, "You deny
my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist, and
even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to
help you out of this predicament ?"

The atheist looked directly into the light. "It would be hypocritical
of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but
perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian.

There was a pause and then the voice said, "Very well."
The light went out. And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws
together, bowed his head and spoke, "Lord, Bless this food I am
about to receive and for which I am truly thankful."

[dot-matrix]

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took
it to the veterinarian.
He found the problem was hair in it's ears, so he cleaned both
ears and the dog could hear fine, The vet then proceeded to
tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from happening
again, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair
remover cream and rub it in the ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair"hair
remover.

At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going
to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few
days."

"I'm not going to use it under my arms.."

"If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must
know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist said, "Stay off your bicycle for a week."