Kerry's Komedy Klub

[Kerry]

The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must
know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist said, "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

  Hilarious! ROTFL! 

[Kerry]

[Shasta542]

I        this thread!!!

 

[Katie77]

WIFE FROM  HELL 

A police  officer pulls over a speeding car.  The officer says,  " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour,  sir." 

The  driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise  control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." 

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car  doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the  ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for  once?" 

The wife  smiles demurely and says, "You should be  thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the  officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit,  the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damnit,  woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer  frowns and says, "And I notice  that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.  That's an  automatic $75 fine."

The driver says,  "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but  took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of  my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have  your seat belt on.  You never wear your seat belt when  you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out  the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The  officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way,  Ma'am?" 

I  love this part...........................


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"Only  when he's been drinking."

[Kerry]

I         this thread!!!

 

Me too, Shasta! 

[Kerry]

[underdown]

One wealthy Lawyer to another .....

'At which law school did you study'
'I didn't'
'Oh, then how come you're practicing law?'
'I settled out of class.'

[Katie77]

A man was out hunting and shot a young bear. He felt a tap on his shoulder and it was a big ol brown bear. ..."Now you got a choice....I can maul you or have sex" He thought he'd best bend over....

well it took a couple of weeks but he finally got up his courage to go out and find that brown bear and he killed it!

felt a tap on his shoulder....he turned around and there was a huge grizzly. He got the same options and made the same choice.

he stayed home for a month or two before his anger sent him back into the woods...he found the grizzly and killed it....

felt a tap on his shoulder. It was a polar bear....the polar bear shook his head and said "admit it man...you aren't coming out here for the hunting!!"
 
 
 

[Katie77]

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

 

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

 

The young man smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

 

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor bloke broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

 

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,"Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

 

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

 

Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

 

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

 

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears?  Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid.  Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

 

Clearing his throat, he stammered.... "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me."

 
   
 
 

[Katie77]

Subject: Meanwhile in heaven ....


A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
 
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
 
"Well, I can think of one thing," the  man offered. "Once on a trip  to 
the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of 
high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. 
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. 
So I approached the largest and  most heavily tattooed biker and 
smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his 
nose ring and threw it on the ground."   
 
I yelled  "Now back off that woman or you'll answer to me!"
 
St. Peter was impressed: "When did this happen?"
 
"Just a couple of minutes ago..."