Kerry's Komedy Klub

[dot-matrix]

Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.

After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.

They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00! When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the man complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.

"But sir," he says, this check is only made out for $50.00."

"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."

[dot-matrix]

Purina diet

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my Labrador Retriever and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I was in the hospital.

I said no..... I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

[dot-matrix]

Scenario:

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a
valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same
speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car
and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground
level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same
speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

 

Think you know

 

Still thinking

 


OK
Answer:

Get off the kiddie's Merry-Go-Round, you're drunk.

[dot-matrix]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

[dot-matrix]

Fifty-one years ago Herman James, a Tennessee Mountain
man, was drafted by the US Army.

On his first day in basic training the army issued him a comb. 
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist removed seven of his teeth.

On the third day the Army issued him a jock strap. 
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

[dot-matrix]

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.

A lady walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open".

Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a little puzzled.

When he was about to be done shopping, a man came up and said "Your fly is open". He zipped up and finished his shopping.

At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his barracks door. He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said.....

"When you saw my barracks door open, did you see the Big Marine standing in there at attention?"

The lady, (naturally smarter than the man), thought for a moment and
said....

"No, no I didn't. All I saw was the disabled veteran sitting on a pair of old duffel bags."

[dot-matrix]

For those who don't know Trinny and Suzanne are two style/fashion guru's who do make overs on the BBC's "What Not to Wear"...they are often scathing in their criticism.

[dot-matrix]

[Kerry]

[dot-matrix]

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman
for several years.

One night during one of their rendezvous, she confided she was
pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he
ould pay a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have
the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also
provide child support until the child turned eighteen.

She agreed, but asked how he would know the baby was born. To
keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a postcard and
write "spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child
support payments to begin.

One day about eight months later, he came home to his confused
wife. "Honey," she said, "You received a very strange postcard
today."

"Oh, give it to me and I'll explain it." he said. The wife obeyed,
and watched her husband read the card, turned white and fainted.

On the card was written, "Spaghetti. Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Two with meatballs, one without."