Kerry's Komedy Klub

[dot-matrix]

> LIFE IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL
>
> A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a
> truck, with his hands at 10 to 2. The nurse asks him, 'Kenny! What are you
> doing?'
> Kenny replies, 'Can't talk right now I'm driving to Melbourne !' The nurse
> wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
> The next day the nurse enters Kenny's room just as he stops driving his
> imaginary truck and she asks,
> 'Well Kenny, how was your trip?'
> Kenny says, 'I'm exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some
> rest.
> That's great,' replied the nurse, 'I'm glad you had a safe trip.'
> The nurse leaves Kenny's room, and then goes across the hall into another
> patients' room and finds Davo sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.
> Shocked, she shouts, 'Davo what are you doing!?' To which Davo replies,
>
> 'Shhh, I'm shagging Kenny's wife while he's in Melbourne '.

 


 


 

[Katie77]

[Katie77]

[Katie77]

[Kerry]

  Hilarious! 

[dot-matrix]

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called
a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems
with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems;
document their repairs on the form for pilots to review
before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of
humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted
by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions
recorded by maintenance (marked with an M)

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P. Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
M. Almost replaced inside main tire.

P. Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
M. Au to-lan d not installed on this aircraft.

P. Something loose in cockpit.
M. Something tightened in cockpit.

P. Dead bugs on windshield.
M. Live bugs on back-order.

P. Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a
200 feet per minute descent.
M. Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P. Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
M. Evidence removed.

P. DME volume unbelievably loud.
M. DME volume set to more believable level.

P. Friction locks cause throttle to stick.
M. That's what they're for.

P. IFF inoperative.
M. IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P. Suspected crack in windshield.
M. Suspect you're right.

P. Number 3 engine missing.
M. Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P. Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one.)
M. Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be
serious.

P. Target radar hums.
M. Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P. Mouse in cockpit.
M. Cat installed.

And the best one for last . . .

P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds
like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
M. Took hammer away from midget.

[dot-matrix]

Some friends were sitting at a bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says, "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know . . .

"Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."

The second guy says, "I'm a D.I.N.K. you know . . . .

"Double Income, No Kids."

The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B. you know . . . .

"Rich Urban Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?"

She replies, " I'm A W.I.F.E. you know . . . .

"Wash, Iron, F**k Etc."

A second girl answers their question before they even
ask it. "I'm a B.I.T.C.H."

"What exactly is a B.I.T.C.H ?" they ask in unison.

"Babe In Total Control of Herself."

So ladies, next time somebody calls you a "Bitch" ~~
SMILE and say "Thank you."

[Kerry]

Stalin's ghost appears to Putin in a dream, and Putin asks for his help running the country.

Stalin says, "Round up and shoot all the democrats, and then paint the inside of the Kremlin blue."

"Why blue?" Putin asks.

"Ha!" says Stalin, "I knew you wouldn't ask me about the first part."

"A Tsar is Born"
Time Magazine
31 December 2007

[TXdoug]

Peace + Love + Joy, dear Kerry 

[Kerry]

Peace + Love + Joy, dear Kerry 

Hi Doug! You're up early! I'm just about to go to bed, myself! Isn't time such a funny ol' thing?!